A broken promise
by funky-curly
Summary: edward dies and bella has to live with the emotions of lossing him
1. Chapter 1

Broken promise

Bpov

I've never been to a funeral until today and I don't think I want to come to another one either.

All I see is stained windows one pure white dove, one shinning, sun, and one blue sky.

I see a golden cross standing tall.

And all I see is black.

Black dresses.

Black pants.

Black shoes.

Black bibles.

Black is my favorite color.

Edward asked me about that one time he said "Bella why don't you like pink? Or purple? Or blue?

"I love black" was my answer "I think is suits me"

But I don't think I like black anymore.

Mu mum reaches over and pulls my hand away from my mouth where I chew on the little flap of skin along the side of my thumb since I have no more nails to chew on.

An ugly habit. one I promised Edward I would break.

I wonder, do you have to keep a promise to a dead person?

Mum holds my hand in hers as the music starts to play on my new iPod.

Edwards smiling face appears on the screen as we hear Jennifer Hudson's beautiful song 'and I'm telling you'

It's not long before tears make their way to my eyes. So I close them for a second.

From out of nowhere, I'm in Edward Aston martin DB9, by his side, head-banging music is playing, window are rolled down, I kick off my shoes and place them on the dashboard and put my hand in his.

"Never leave me, okay" I say to him

"okay" he tells me

He squeezes my hand, like that seals the deal.

My gaze returns to then beautiful boy on the screen while my thumb returns to my mouth.

He broke his promise so can I break mine?


	2. Chapter 2

The minister speaks

"it is hard when a young life is tragically cut short. But we must celebrate the life that was Edward's. look around at all the friends and family that loves Edward Cullen. You will keep the memory if him alive."

There is one memory of him that floods my brain every five minutes

It reminds me over and over and over again that I am the reason why my boyfriend is gone.

Memories might keep Edward alive.

But they might kill me.

After the service, people get into a line to tell the family

"I'm sorry for you loss"

"He was so young" Or

"let me know if there is any think I can do"

I'm one of the first people as I want to get it over and done with.

Edward's mum, Esme, is there and I try and say "I'm sorry" like I'm supposed to but the words will not come from my brain to my mouth.

She looks at me and I feel her eyes piercing my heart making it hurt even more.

She probably blames me like I blame myself, well I can blame her for that.

She tries to smile.

She asks politely, with no feeling because she has to say something

"Are you okay, Bella?"

I nod, but inside my heart is screaming and kicking, stomping throwing a tantrum like a two year old because I am definitely not okay.

She hugs me, a quick hug, a fake hug, an -I'm only hugging you because I don't know what else to do-hug.

Next I hug the people Edward loves the most in the whole wide world.

His two sisters.

And his two brothers.

I tell myself to be strong.

I should be strong for them.

But I'm not.

I sob into Emmett's black jacket he is the oldest now that Edward is gone.

"Ssshhhhh" he whispers

"You're going to get though this"

Just like Edwards's brother thinking about me not himself.

Next I cuddle jasper he is the youngest well he always has been.

Then me, Rose and Alice all have a girly hug in a little huddle Rose it the oldest out of the two girls however you could not tell much difference between them.

After that, I stand alone and wait for my mum so we can leave.

There is no line coming up to me saying

"I'm sorry" Or "he was so "young" Or "let me no if there s anything I can do"

It feels lie every one is looking at me, what are they thinking? Do I even what to no?

And then, like an unexpected rain shower on a day that's so dry you can't breathe, there Is Jessica squeezing me tight, Lauren s holding my hand and Angela is rubbing my back.

In the moment, I realize a circle of love is ten times better then a procession of sorrys.

Another procession

This time a line of cars driving to the cemetery.

Mum calls dad on her phone.

He on a business trip in Paris. He offered to come home. I told him it'd be okay. I have mum and besides that can he do?

I hear mum say

"Beautiful service…"

"She's hanging in there…"

"Wish you could be here…"

"Wanna talk to Bella?"

I shake my head and wave my hands to tell her no.

Theres's nothing to say that's mum hasn't said already.

"I guess she's tired right now…"

I make myself drift back to a happier time.

Edward came to our school in the summer from a different school in a different town.

He was the cutest boy in the whole school. With gorgeous brown hair that shined in the sun.

The four of us, Jessica, Lauren, Angela and me. All talked about him at lunch, eating tacos, my favorite food.

"How much shampoo do you think he uses to get his hair like that" Jessica once said

"I don't know but he sure does look sexy!" I said

"Oh, Mrs. Cullen" we all said.


	3. Chapter 3

When you meet someone so different form yourself, in a good way, you don't even have to kiss to have fireworks go off.

It's like fireworks in your heart go off all the time.

I always wondered, do opposites really attract?

Now I know for sure they do.

I'd grown up going to the library as often as people go to work.

Edward didn't need to read about exiting people and places. He went out and found them or created excitement himself if there wasn't any to be found.

The things I like are pretty simple.

Burning CDs around themes, like songs to get you groove on and watching movies baking cookies and swimming.

Its like I was a garden salad with a light vinaigrette, and Edward was a

Platter of seafood Cajun pasta.

Alone, we were good.

Together, we were fantastic.

Ash

To

Ash

Dust

To

Dust

I think this is where I'm supposed to say good-bye.

Is that what everyone's thinking?

Good-bye Edward ?

Rest in peace?

That's not what I'm thinking

I'm thinking I hate good-bye

"Let us pray," the minister says.

_Dear god,_

_What can I do?_

_He didn't deserve this._

_Can't we bring him back?_

_Isn't there anything that will bring him back?_

_Please?_

Amen

I look around

If tears could bring him back, there'd be enough to bring him back a hundred times.

Mum takes my hand and leads me back to the car.

All I can think about is how my boy friend will soon be underground.

He'll be lying there alone in the dirt.

Mum asks me if I want to go to the Cullen's house, where people will gather to eat and talk and remember.

"I can't believe people feel like eating and talking.

Those are the last things I want to do."

"Life goes on, honey" mum says.

As we pull away, my eyes stay glued to the casket.

It's proof that sometimes…

Life

Does

Not

Go

On.


	4. Chapter 4

Bella + Edward = true luv 4 Eva

I luv Edward

E 4 B

B 4 E

Scribbles I made on my French book as I always found French boring.

I study the worlds on the purple notebook like I used to study Edwards face when he wasn't looking.

When we got home, mum suggested I write down my feelings, basically, keep a journal.

But I can stop staring at them scribbles and thinking about how they used to be true.

But not anymore.

Now it is just Bella.

No more Edward.

No more true love 4 Eva.

I turn over the tear stained cover, I put my pen on the page and write.

EDWARD.

EDWARD.

EDWARD.

I started swimming at the age I traded my bottle for a Sippy cup.

Mum took me to a baby and me class at the pool.

She said I was so natural in the water, she wondered if she'd

Actually given birth to a mermaid.

By high school I am swimming competitively on the swim team.

Edward came and watched me a number of times.

That's were it started…

"I dare you to jump off the high dive," he said one day after practice.

"You now I am afraid of heights!"

" why Im daring you"

I could disappoint my boyfriend.

I climbed the ladder, making sure I didn't look down.

I inched my way to the edge of the board, then I crossed my fingers, closed my eyes, said a prayer. Then…

Jumped.

My stomach flew to my throat as the air rushed around me and through me until I hit the water hard.

"I did it!" I yelled as I climbed out of the pool.

He bought me a towel and simply said

"That's my girl"


	5. Chapter 5

This summer, I could have made money at my second home.

I could have sat by the pool in my suit, pretending to watch the kids, to guard lives, while I thought about Edward.

But accidents happen that way and my life doesn't need any more accidents.

So today I quit my job.

Mum asks me, "What are you doing all this summer?"

I just shrug.

Mick, my ex-boyfriend pre-Edward calls me.

"Bella"

"Yeah"

"I've been thinking about you. Are you okay?"

"Mick, that's a freaking ridiculous question."

"Is there any thing I can do?"

"Nope, not a thing good-bye Mick"

Click.

Crap why did I do that?

He was just trying to be nice.

I am such a jerk.

Is being a jerk one of the five stage of grief?

I'm sitting on the porch swing.

Thinking of how Edward and I used to sit and swing together.

The stars are duller then an old pocketknife. They used to sparkle like five-carat diamonds.

I wonder. Is heaven up in the stars? Or is it beyond the stars?

Can Edward see them like I see them?

Is he wishing like Im wishing?

"Star light, star bright" he said the first time we sat here together.

"Make my wish come true tonight" I said

"That's not how it goes"

"Why drag it out?" I asked him.

He laughed," so, what's your wish."

"That time would stop, so I could stay like this forever."

"Tough wish" he said.

"What about you?"

"Lets see….I'm hungry, how about a cheeseburger?"

"How romantic" I told him.

"Change your wish to a chocolate milk shake and were set."

We went to the in-n-out burger walk though after that.

He got his wish.

I didn't get mine.


	6. Chapter 6

Sleep doesn't come. Night after night I thrash around like a fish caught in a net trying to escape.

And I cry for what I've done and who I've lost.

Four days after the funeral, mum shows me the phone messages she's taken from me.

I didn't want to talk to any one.

Edward's brother, Emmett called. Jessica and Angela called. Mick called. Again.

I ball them up and throw them all away.

"You're tired" mum says.

She calls the doctor. He prescribes ambien.

"That's good," mum says.

"Sleep well help."

"Will any think really help?" is what I say.

When I walk up, I remember.

It hurts to remember.

Mum brings me a sandwich and some juice I get up to pee and sneak another pill.

"I need to sleep a little more," I tell mum.

She doesn't argue

Because sleep does help.

"the phone rings it rings and rings and rings.

I finally drag my butt out of bed and answer it .

"Bella?"

"Yeah"

"Do you want to do something?" Jessica says

"Maybe go to the pool?"

"Not really"

"Well… wanna do something else then?"

"Not really"

"Are you okay?"

"Not really"

"Can I come over?"

"I guess"

"You need anything?"

But before I can answer, she says "never mind, stupid question."

Stupid

But sweet.


	7. Chapter 7

I'm putting on makeup. I'll be like a clown and no one will see my real face behind the mask.

I don't want Jessica to see the sad me, the depressed me, the shamed me.

As I stand in the bathroom. Carefully lining my eyelids bronze. I feel a splash of cold air.

I shiver.

I feel something

Something behind me, something familiar. Highly familiar.

I glance behind me, but I don't see anything. Or anyone.

And then, when I look in the mirror again,

I see, for a split second, there is not just me

But some one else

Edward.

Jessica's knocking, so I turn and run.

As I run down the stairs, I am thinking there must be such a thing of having to much sleep.

That wasn't really him. It couldn't have been him.

Could it?

When I open the door, she gives me her best friend hug and I realize how much I have missed my jess.

We go to the kitchen plop down at the table.

"Thanks for coming" I say.

She looks at her watch,"you hungry?"

"I could eat."

I get up and open the pantry door.

I don't even know if its time fore breakfast or lunch or dinner.

"What time is it?" I ask

"11.00"

I stand there, staring at the boxes if crackers, and cereal trying to focus on food and not on what I just saw in the mirror.

That cool air surrounds me again. I get goose bumps. I feel him, standing there, next to me, like he is hungry too, looking for something to eat.

"Did you feel that?"

"What?" she says.

"Nothing."

She'll think I'm crazy. Maybe she'd be right.

And then, there's the slightest hint of something brushing my cheek.

Not a touch,

Less then a touch,

A whisper.

No, a feeling

Or maybe I am just going it's my imagination.

I shiver again.

Am I going crazy?

"I think you need to get out," Jessica says.

"Let's go to the mall. or some yummy food and court a little bit of shopping, if you want"

I shrug. "I guess."

This is good.

I'm a normal girl going to the mall.

NOT CAZY.

Not a girl who's beginning to think she is being to get haunted by her dead boyfriend.


	8. Chapter 8

Jessica has a hot red Audi TT.

Cute.

Fun.

Perfect.

Like Jessica.

I was going to work so I could buy a car when I am twenty on the 14th September.

All the things that used to be so important aren't anymore.

"We haven't been to the mall together in a long time" Jessica says.

"Yeah"

The last time I was there, Edward brought me…

I stop.

I look out the window.

There's an old man with an old woman sitting on the bench waiting for a bus. He's looking at a new paper. She's looking at him. She says something. He looks at her. He smiles. She smiles.

The scene is so simple, so lovely. So perfect.

"It's okay to talk about him," Jessica says.

"I know."

"What did Edward buy you?"

"I didn't want to say but she asked.

"A black and pink bikini. The one I wore to the school's out party"

She nods, she remembers. If she had known it would bring up that tragic day, she wouldn't have asked.

She shakes her head. Turns the radio up.

I guess sometimes its not okay to talk about him.

As she fiddles with the radio, Jessica's blue and purple bracelet twists and slides on her arm.

The summer between fifth and sixth grade, we rode our bikes to the pool almost every day.

Then we came home and made necklaces and bracelets out of beads.

We loved sitting and talking and making jewelry together.

We sold creations to kids in the neighborhood. My dad called us little entrepreneurs.

I called us best friends.

"You still wear the bracelet I made you" I say

Thinking how it's amazing she's kept it all this time.

"I love it where's the I made for you"

"I lost it "

"I'll make you another one" she says

"We can buy some beads at the mall" I say.

That's Jessica the one who will do any thing for me.

Thank god from Jessica.

I shop, but I don't buy

I eat, but I don't taste.

Jessica talks, but I don't listen.

My mind is drifting, thinking about him.

Wondering if I'll feel that cool air, feel that brush against my cheek, feel Edward again when I go home.

It couldn't have been him. I am being ridiculous.

Still, it's not long before I want to go home and find for sure if it is hm.

I learn my head back on the car seat as we drive home.

With my eyes closed, I search for a memory that will make me smile.

And then, I remember the night my life changed forever.

The sliver bleaches filled with kids in black and red, cheering the football team to victory.

It was a warm September night, the best kind of Friday night, and my favorite kind of high school night.

He was two rows up. Behind me watching me. Or so he told me.

Jessica, Angela and Lauren went to get us food.

I stay to save our seat and that's when he made his move.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I'm Edward."

"I know. Everyone knows who you are."

Hi cheeks turned the colour of watermelon. His eyes greener than the rind.

He was so cute, from the top of his sexy bronze hair to the tips of his converses.

The way he looked at me made me quiver and quake.

It was a good thing I was sitting down. My legs wouldn't have held me up.


	9. Chapter 9

"Do you know who I am?" I asked

"No, but I'd like to."

"Bella swan."

"Bella," he said

"I like the name Bella."

I loved the way he said my name.

He talked about the game, and about his old school. He talked about how moving sucked, and about being the new kid, which sucked even more.

I talked about living in the same house my whole life with my mom who works a lot and a dad who travels a lot.

"Tell me something about Bella no one else knows," he said

"No one?"

I had to think hard on that one.

"I really hate being alone," I finally said.

"Then it's a good thing I'm here."

That made me smile.

"Now it's my turn," I told him

"I want to go out with you."

That made me smile even more.

I couldn't say anything because my friends came back.

Edward didn't move. They squeezed in on the other side of me. I introduced them.

They looked at me like I'd just won the lottery.

But it was way better than that.

The green bug backs away.

The wave and smile like everything's fine, while inside I'm freaking out because I don't know if he's waiting for me on the other side of the door.

I move from one room to the next downstairs, upstairs. I whisper his name

"Edward?"

"How do I find you?"

I go to the bathroom and stare into the mirror.

I look more awake than I've been in weeks.

Like a kid who wakes up really early on Christmas day and can't wait to see what's under the tree.

I stand in front of the mirror for the minutes. Maybe hours.

"Bella, I'm home," Mom calls from downstairs.

"Are you awake?"

Suddenly, the air temperature drops, and this time there's no confusion.

Edward's face flashes next to mine

I'd say awake is an understatement.

Mom makes spaghetti. She makes it because I love it. And because she's happy I'm awake.

"Feeling better?" she asks.

"Yeah, Jessica took me to the mall."

"Good I was starting to worry."

"Mom, it's Thursday, right?"

"Yes."

"Dad comes home tomorrow?"

"Yes." She says. "Should we go to the beach this weekend?"

No

No

I don't want to go anywhere. If Edward's here, I have to stay here.

"Can't we just stay home? Watch some movies?"

She smiles.

"That sounds nice."

"Thanks for the spaghetti. It was good."

"Your welcome, sweetheart.


	10. Chapter 10

Mike calls Thursday night, to express his concern for me one more time.

I tell him I'm okay and there's nothing he can do because I just buried my boyfriend and of course I'm really not that okay.

"I just want you to know I'm here for you, Bella. If you need me."

It's weird. Does he want a second chance? Does he want to be the rebound guy?

Or maybe he is loving every minute of my grief and unhappiness.

Maybe he's thinking I had it coming.

And maybe, just maybe, I did.

Dare: a challenge to do something dangerous or foolhardy.

I dare you.

Three stupid words.

I dared him to order octopus at a restaurant and to eat it all. He dared me to write a love letter, sign it secret admirer, and sneak it to a teacher. I dared him to pretend he was blind in the crystal section of the department store.

This game, or whatever it was, became our little thing.

Edward, the rock climber, the white – water rafter, the extreme skier guy, loved the feel of adrenaline ROARING through his veins.

For me, it was scary, and exhilarating, all at the same time. But I could have lived without it.

All I needed was Edward.

I wish all he'd needed was me.

I can hear my heart beat beat beating in the darkness as I try to go to sleep.

The clock says 12:08

Mom is asleep by now.

I get up and go down stairs to make hot cocoa.

Will he be there waiting for me?

My heart is beat beat beating faster, even through there's no sign of him.

When the hot cocoa is done, I put marshmallows in. I stir slowly, watching them melt into each other.

I think of Edward. His touch, his kisses, and the way he looked at me, with eyes like a green ocean.

I take a sip, and the cocoa's so hot it burns my tongue.

Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold.

I shiver.

"Edward?"

I spin around and around and around like a top on a wooden floor.

"Where are you? Show me you're here please?"

I stop I stand still I wait.

There is just enough light from the full moon shinning through the kitchen window.

The white, frilly curtains move slightly. Shifting. Fluttering.

And then I smell the smell that was all Edward, because he kept that head and beautiful face so well shaven.

Sandalwood shaving cream.

I sit down at the kitchen table and I whisper like he is sitting right across from me.

"Edward , I know it's you. I'm not scared. Maybe I should be, but I'm not. Whatever you need to do to talk to me, in your own way, is okay. I'm not scared.

"Can I see you? I want to see you."

Nothing happens.

I ask him. "Don't ghosts or spirits or whatever sometimes show themselves?"

And then the cd player on the kitchen counter starts to play

3 doors down Here by me.


	11. Chapter 11

The music's loud. It makes me jump right out of my skin.

I run over and turn it down.

As I do, I see the slightest reflection of Edward on the stainless steel fridge.

"Oh, god. It's really you. Edward. You're here."

I feel him move closer to me. The smell of him fills me up. It makes the hairs on my arms stand up straight.

"Can I touch you?" I whisper.

No answer.

I guess, in order to touch, there has to be skin, which a ghost doesn't have.

There's a murmur inside my brain, so quiet, I have to close my eyes tight and really concentrate to hear it.

Bella, I'm here. I can't talk this way often. It's hard to get my thoughts through to you. Just know. I love you, and I'm not going to leave you.

I whisper back.

"I understand. You don't have to talk; you don't have to do anything. Just you being here is enough. I'm glad you're here, Edward."

I have more I want to say. But not now. Now is the time to just be together.

"Dance with me," I whisper

I get up, and sway to the music. My eyes are closed. I imagine him there, with me in the moonlight, hugging me, caressing me, loving me.

And I know with all of my Edward – loving heart that's exactly what he's doing.

But then the music turns off and the room warms up.

He's gone.

A few seconds later, mom appears. She flicks on the light and I squint my eyes at the brightness.

"Bella are you okay? I thought I heard music were you playing music?"

"Sorry mom. I came down to have cocoa. I turned the cd player on. Sorry I woke you up."

She reaches out and hugs me.

"Why are you shaking?" she asks

"Did I scare you?"

There's no way I can tell here.

"I guess a little. But I'm okay. Ready for bed.

She keeps her arm around me and we go upstairs together.

"You sure you're okay?" she asks when we get to my room.

I smile.

"Better than ever."

What if I was just a dream?

I wait all day wandering the house, but there is no sign of him.

If he said he isn't going to leave me, why does it seem like he's left me?

Maybe being a ghost is more complicated than I understand.

I make fresh lemonade, squeezing the lemons mom brought home yesterday.

Lemons are one of my favorite things.

Luscious and juicy, they remind me of Edward's kisses.

I remember the time we went out for dessert.

He had a chocolate cake. I had a lemon tart.

"You have lemon," Edward said,

"In the corner of your mouth. Let me get that for you."

And just like that he leaned in and kissed me, and his tongue gently licking the lemon away.

That's how it was with us comfortable. Easy. So. Incredibly wonderful.

I add sugar, water, and ice cubes to the juice in the pitcher.

When I take a drink, it tastes sweet and sour like it should be.


	12. Chapter 12

Dad comes home.

"Angel!" he says, hugging me.

He breaks away to ell me what I already knew.

"I'm sorry, what a rotten time for me to be gone."

I know he's been worried about me. He's called me almost every day.

"I'm okay dad."

"Promise?"

"Promise"

He reaches down, unzips his suitcase, and pulls out a bag.

"I brought you some perfume. They say Paris makes the best"

I take it out of the bag; a shiny, gold sun caps the bottle.

I unscrew the sun and take a whiff.

"I figured you could use a little sunshine about now" he tells me

I hug him again and say.

"Thanks dad, I'm glade your home."

Edward seems to be afraid to come around if my parents are with me.

I guess if they knew about him, it would be really strange.

Dad sticks close to me. We talk a lot and share ice cream after dinner.

Finally, I retreat to my room.

There's a note on my mirror written in toffee lipstick.

Bella is beautiful.

Bella is good.

Bella is mine.

I put the lipstick on my lips and then give the mirror a big, fat kiss.

Saturday morning. Angela calls.

"I'm having a pool party tonight," she says "will you come?"

"I don't know"

"Bella, I miss you please come"

I tell her I'll call her back I need to think about it.

"Who was that?" mum says.

"Angela, she's having a pool party tonight."

"Sounds like fun, you should go."

"But…"

I don't finish my sentence. I can't say.

_But I'd rather stay home and hang out with Edward._

Because he's here. And maybe we'll make hot cocoa together or something.

"But what, honey" mum says.

She's pouring herself a glass of lemonade.

"Can I have some of that?" I ask

I watch the yellow liquid splash into the glass, so free and sure of itself.

Angela calls again.

"You have to come. Mick's brother's band is going to play. It'll be so great."

Mum begs me with her eyes

Angela begs me with her words.

So there are only three worlds left to say…

"Fine. I'll come.


	13. Chapter 13

Jessica and I met Angela and Lauren in French class.

We were grouped together, and our assignment was to make a French dessert to share with the class.

We went to Angela's house because her dad is a chef and he wanted to help us.

Except we were so giggly and so here and there and everywhere in the kitchen, he left us alone to make our _soufflé au chcolat._

The first one was a flop because we burnt the chocolate.

But Angela said, "Like napoleon, we will not give up!"

The second time, we were more focused and worked together, like soldiers in an army, battling the double boiler with all our might.

Our _soufflé an chocolat_ turned out _magnifique._

A love a lot of things about Angela, but I especially love how she never gives up.

Angela is _très magnifique._

I pull out my bikini. The one Edward brought me the one I wore that day.

I can't wear it. I won't wear it. Never. Never ever, ever again.

I should throw it away. But Edward gave it to me. It's the last thing he gave me. So I'll keep it. But I won't wear it.

I pull out last year's suit that's faded from the sun and the chlorine and not nearly as cute as the black and ping one from Edward.

Who cares? It's not like I'm trying to look hot for a guy or anything.

I'm just going because…

Wait a minute…

Why am I going?

I sit in the corner watching the swimmers, the dancers, the smoochers, the gabbers, the drinkers and the smokers.

"Come in, Bella." Jessica yells from the pool.

"We need to!" Angela yells from the driving board.

I raise my drink in the sit. But I don't move. I stay right where I belong.

The sun starts to set and tangerine orange turns to s cotton candy pink and I wish my man Edward was here to give me some cranberry red love.

"Bella," I hear in a deep voice I recognize.

It's Mick.

Imagine that. The boy who won't leave me alone I had it bad on the first day of coming to forks all he kept doing was asking me to prom. It was lucky I said that Jessica wanted to go with him.

"Hey" I say

"You look lonely over here by yourself."

I point to the orange and pink sky.

"Isn't that most gorgeous thing you've ever seen?"

He doesn't take his eyes off me.

"Yeah, it is"

"So what's the deal, nick you stalking me?"

He laughs. "No, just worried about you. That' all"

"Well, please don't worry about me. I'm fine."

I think of Edward at home. Where I might see him again tonight. I smile.

Wait. Does Edward follow me? Does he know what's happening here?

Will he be pissed I'm talking to Mick?

NO.

I'd feel him if he were here

Wouldn't I?

"It's good to see you" Mick says. "I've missed you. I look back and wonder how I could have been so crazy to let you go."

"Let me go? You cheated on me, Mick.

"So if I got up the nerve to ask you out again, and promised to be good, would you ever consider saying yes?

I stand up and hand him my empty glass.

"Not in a million sunsets, Mick"


	14. Chapter 14

When I get home, it's late.

And the house is freaking freezing.

It feels like I live in an igloo.

I grab a blanket from the closet and wrap it around my shoulders I head to the kitchen.

Every single cupboard door in open.

"Edward?" I whisper "I'm home"

The CD player turns on.

My stomach does a somersault.

I listen, trying to place it.

Got it.

I will always love you by Whitney Houston.

"Are you mad at me for going?"

No response. Although I don't know what kind of response I expected.

"Edward, I can't stay home all the time. Besides, mum and dad would get suspicious if I never went anywhere. I don't want them to know about you and me. They'd think I'm crazy!"

All the cupboard doors slam shut at the exact same time.

Now my stomach does a backhand flip.

"I'm going to bed, Edward I'm tried good night."

I walk up the stairs, I feel him following me.

I tremble as I feel cold air, or Is it breath, on my back of my neck.

I open the door to my room and gasp.

My panties and bras and socks and nighties have been flung all over my room.

I stand there for a minute and then I close the door and smile.

My smiles turn into giggles.

I belly flop onto my bed, splashing panties every where.

This is so Edward.

He gets mad. He throws a little tantrum. Then we laugh about it.

I remember the time I decide to go to the day spa with all my mates instead of hanging out with him.

He waited outside the spa until we walked up.

He pulled me aside; all pissed of, and told me I totally ruined his day.

He said, "I had something special planned."

"Special?" I asked wondering what exactly that meant.

He shrugged and pulled two basketball tickets out of his pocket.

I burst out a laughing and punched him in the arm. "Basketball is not special"

He couldn't help it, he started laughing too.

Then he pulled me into his arms and whispered in my ear

"I just love you so much I want to be with you always."

It's like I can hear repeating those words now.

I go to work putting all the stuff back where it belongs.

The room starts to warm up, which makes the ice in the igloo started to

M

E

L

T

And u whisper into the silence of the night "I want to be with you always to."

Like I warm summer breeze in my head, I hear words in my head.

_This is so hard for me, Bella. I want it to be like was before. I'll try to be more understanding. Please forgive up?_

"Of cause I forgive you"


	15. Chapter 15

When exhaustion finally hits me, I fall into my bed.

It's not long before I'm in that strange place between asleep and awake, where you might fall off a cliff or find a stranger chasing you.

But tonight waiting for me behind the magical curtain of dreams, there's Edward, as clear as the sparking silver tips of the sea that surrounds the boat were rocking in.

We face each other, the full moon so iridescent it reminds me of the glow in the dark planets I used to have on my ceiling.

We stand there on peaceful darkness, not talking not touching, but feeling volts of electricity. Charging through our veins.

When he finally reaches out to touch me, the energy is so intense I jump.

He pulls me to him and kisses me, his lips so soft, so delicious, and so real; I can't help but reach up and touch them with my fingers.

And once I feel his skin beneath my fingers, I want more.

It's like he's a map and I'm trying to find my way home.

While we kiss, my hand travels across his chest down his arms, to his hands, where out fingers intertwine.

We raise our hands in the air above us, victorious in love, only to let go and push our self together even closer.

When we release our lips, we both GASP for air.

Then, he cradles my body as he ever so gently lays my quivering body down.

Our eyes locked, my fingers tracing his law. Before I can say I love you, I'm swimming in the warm sea of his kisses once again.

Can a girl lose her virginity to a ghost?

It's Sunday, morning and dad takes me out for breakfast.

I get pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream.

Dad orders pigs in blankets.

We both have coffee with sugar. Lots and lots of sugar.

Dad talks about Paris and how he'd love to take me and mum there someday.

He says I'd love the Eiffel tower, the arc de triomphe, the Louvre, the cafes, the shopping.

"Let's go at Christmastime," he says

I think of my three best friends. They would love to go to Paris.

Why not my?

Maybe it's because Paris is really far away and we would have to stay away from home for a really long time.

On the way home dad dives past the place where the city festival is held every spring.

Edward took me to the carnival. We rock and rolled on the roller coaster and French kissed on the merry go round and laughed hysterically on the hammerhead.

We ate corn dogs and curly fries and raspberry scones.

"I want one of those!" I said, pointing to the big stuffed teddy bears hanging above the milk can softball toss.

Edward stuck his chest out and said "no problem"

Twenty quid later I was stuck with a teeny- tiny yellow stuffed snake.

"How appropriate," Edward told me

"These guys are so slimy."

"step right up, step right up we'll take all your money and even better, make you look like a loser in front of you girlfriend" Edward shouted out.

I laughed and told him I loved my teeny – tiny snake and who needs a big, old teddy bear anyway. When I have a perfectly good boyfriend to cuddle with.

With his last pound, he turned to the man selling balloons an brought me a red one.

"A balloon and a snake? This is my lucky day!"

But as he reached out to hand me the balloon, I didn't quite have a grip on the string

As we watched the balloon the float up, up, up and away.

Edward whispered in my ear

"Bella, you are my helium."

He was always good at making the best things.


	16. Chapter 16

The tears roll down my face, without notice, without effort, but just with feeling.

I thought I was done crying. I mean, Edward's come back to me.

And yet, there won't be any more days like that night at the carnival.

Edward may be back, but those days are gone forever.

Dad looks over at me. And then he turns away. He doesn't say anything.

What's he thinking? That this is all for the best, because when you're fifteen, you shouldn't be so serious, like he and mum told me a few months ago?

Mum and dad liked Edward. I know they did. He stayed for dinner sometimes and he made them laugh, telling stories about his brothers and sisters and the pranks they played on each other.

But my parents worried.

"You're so young…"

"You're spending too much time together…"

"How serious is it…"

I look at dad. He looks at me.

Then his hand reaches up and wipes the tears away, without notice, with out effort, but only with feeling.

"I remember when you were little," he said, "you'd fall down and scraped you knee. And you'd come running over to me, crying and crying."

"Then you would kiss it better" I tell him. "I remember too it was so easy then."

"I no you loved Edward a lot, and I wish I could make this better," dad said.

Oh so that's what he is thinking.

"Thanks a lot, dad"

The real estate business slows down the summer.

Mum is home more and more.

Edward there less and less.

So I endure the long days to enjoy the sweet but silent nights where he often visits in my dream.

I tried to talk once, to tell him how sorry I feel.

But I covered my lips with his and that was that.

At least in my dreams I have his soothing touch.

Even in the silence, my heart overflows with love that is all Edward's.

I wake later and later each day.

I search the cupboard and drawers for the pills mum gave me so I might sleep all the time like I did before.

But I cant find them.

"Come with me" mum says. "To the library books and summertime, go together."

"No, I don't feel well,"

"Are you okay, Bella?" mum asks "you've been sleeping a lot, maybe a should take you to the doctor."

"Mum I'm fine I just have a cold or something."

She leaves the house without me.

The CD player turns on

_You'll always be my baby by Mariah __Carey._

A blue bouncy ball rolls across the floor.

I pick it up there's scribbled writing, hard to read.

I figured it out it says…

Don't be blue cause I love you.

"Edward?"


	17. Chapter 17

The door bell rings.

Surprise!

I'm in my ratty robe with pictures of sunglasses spattered on the fabric.

I peek out and see Jessica, Angela and Laruen.

When I open the door Laruen says

"Dude you look like shit!"

That's Laruen always telling it the way it is.

They don't wait for me to invite them in.

They each give me a hug, then plop themselves on the couch.

"So, what's new?" I ask

"I got a new puppy" Jessica said. "I named gumball."

"Gumball?" I say

"He's really cute" Angela says.

"But even better news Laruen meet some one!" Jessica shouted out.

"You did?" I asked.

"He's was a senior last year." Jessica says "but it's still too early in the game, I have to work on him some more, get him to ask me out."

As she talks, I notice how gorgeous they look in their tank tops and shorts, with there tan legs and painted toes.

They look like a real girl.

I glanced down at myself, in my robe.

I think you can tell the difference.

I've always been the quite girl. I'm the good girl who does what she is told (well most of the time.)

Laruen is the loud girl she's the bad girl who makes you want to be bad too, because she looks so good on her, with her wild hair.

She's the youngest in a family with six other children.

I think she had to be loud and bad so she wouldn't be forgotten.

Laruen loves the movies; we go to the cinema a lot, while Jessica and Angela play volleyball.

The first time we went, Laruen said, "let stay and see another one."

"I don't think we're supposed to do that."

"Why not?" she said.

"No one will know."

Then she pulled me into another screen to watch another movie. And then we went to her house, where she showed me the book of drawing she keeps

Fairies,

Elves,

Dragons,

And wizards.

She is such a talented artist.

"When I turn eighteen," she told me,

"I'm going to get a bunch of these as tattoos."

Yeah, I don't think Laruen needs to worry anymore about being forgotten.

Laruen is definitely unforgettable.

In the best way, of course.


	18. Chapter 18

"Wanna hit the road, and go somewhere." Angela says.

"We could cruise around me my car." Jessica says.

"You got a new car" I say, "well what is it?"

"Well, it used. But new to me. It's a mini copper."

Wow, guess things are happening out therein the big, blue world.

"Come on," Jessica says,

"Nah, I am not really up to anything today." I say.

Laruen stands up and says "Bella, come on it is beautiful out side and besides you are not the dead one."

"LARUEN" Angela and Jessica both shout.

"Oh god" Jessica says.

"Nice going Laruen" Angela follows after Jessica.

"OMG I am so sorry." Laruen quickly says.

"You guys just have not glue what the hell I am going though, do you." I snap at them.

"So tell us" Jessica says.

I stand up.

"I have things to do" I tell them.

Which is a total lie and all three of them know that.

I walk to the door, open it, and wait.

"Bye Bella."

"Bye, honey"

"I am so, so, so sorry bells"

I go to the front window and watch ant watch them as they get into Jessica's car then they zoom down the road in a flash.

The room turns cold Edward is here.

How come you can't go out, Edward?

Do you want me here with you all the time?

Will you get mad at me if I go with my friends?

No answer.

"WHY CANT GHOST TALK" I scream.

I sit on the couch and cry because every thing is so confusing and mixed up.

Suddenly the music stops.

"Oh no please, please Edward don't leave me."

I start to cry again.

"I need you"

I shouldn't have screamed like that, this isn't Edward fault.

Does he hate me now?

I stand up.

"Edward, please come back" I shriek, crying and pacing.

"Please Edward don't leave me by myself you're the only one I can talk to. God damn it, I love you Edward."

When I feel the cold air flutter around me like a butterfly's wing, I know he is back, and I collapse on the couch as relief.

"I'm sorry I shouted at you Edward. I didn't mean it."

There's a whisper inside my head so soft, I almost don't hear the first word.

"_There are ghost rules, Bella. I'm not allowed to answer your questions. I don't want to keep you from your friends. I'm sorry I got mad before. More than anything in the world I wish you was ok. I want you to be happy .i love you Bella._

_Be happy._


	19. Chapter 19

A few days before the Fourth of July holiday they just do it. My mum and dad whisk me away to the place of sand and sea, with never ending sound of waves thrasing, lashing, crashing.

I love that sound. I love the beach.

I've packed my windbreaker, my sun visor, my flip flops, and the black and pink swim suit that Edward brought me.

What I couldn't pack was my ghost of a boyfriend, Edward.

We're about to leave when I say.

"wait I forgot something.!"

I grab my key from my purse. Run inside the house and up the stairs.

"I'll miss you, Edward." I say to the still, quite air around me as I walk towards the bookcase in my room.

"I will be back soon I promise."

I return to the car with a stuffed yellow snake stuck in my pocket of my hoody.

I walked barefoot next to my mum.

The seagulls dance across the sand as the wave's crash on the shore.

The seagulls waltz.

I dance around my mother's topic of conversation.

"You don't talk about him. Are you sure you are okay?"

"Yes mum I am fine"

"Bella, I'll just say it. I'm worried about you. It seems like you were doing fine. But latly, I don't know."

"I am fine, mum."

She grabs my hand, squeezes it.

"I think it might be good for you to talk to someone."

"A shrink?"

"A grief counselor."

I stop walking and let my eyes rest on the blueness of the ocean, thinking of Edward, wondering if he's sipping my lemonade or drinking my coca or frolicking around in my panty draw.

"isn't it just so amazing, mum"

I put my arm around her and put my head on her shoulder.

"sometimes, I think I smell him," she whispers.

I didn't say anything.

The mother daughter waltz.


	20. Chapter 20

It's hard to fall asleep in a room that isn't mine.

In the kite room of the beach house, kites are on every wall.

Blue ones,

Red ones,

Yellow ones,

And even one shaped as a bird.

I quietly get up and move over to the computer.

I turn it on. I Goggle "ghosts."

I click and read.

Click and read.

Click and read.

A website claiming to be "the number ones resource on ghosts" says that if a person dies with "unresolved issues" or "emotional baggage," he/she can't move on.

Does Edward have unresolved issues? Or emotional baggage?

I find a message board on another site where people share their experiences and ask questions.

It seems like each ghost is different, some only appear once a year, some only appear in dreams, some only appear in houses, some only appear in mirrors.

Edward seems to be a do-anything kind of ghost.

That makes sense because he was pretty much a do-anything kind of guy.

The walls are thin; my parents are talking, talking about me.

I tiptoe back to my bed.

Dad says "The three girls and Mick have been checking on here, right?"

"yeah, but she still just stays at home." Mum answers "she needs to talk to some one"

"but what happens if she doesn't want to go see some one, honey." Dad says.

"she don't have the choose, she just has to go and see some one for a few days, Charlie we have to make her do it."

OH. MY. GOD my parents. My friends. They all think I am going mental.

And Mick, was hitting on me only because he felt sorry for me?

I turn over and cry on my pillow.

Edward, why aren't you here?

I need you; if I sleep will you visit me? Can you find me?

Please find me.

The kites lift me up, and take me away to a place where I sleep.

I sleep without dreams, because Edward is not there.

But finally I rest because I can see Edward.

Sunday morning I wake up early for the first time in a long time.

I head to the beach, where I want to run barefoot on the sand, feel the sea breeze on my skin, hear the ocean sounds in my head.

Maybe it will help my forget all the mixed up stuff going on in my life at the moment.

But I am not the only one up early.

A golden lab runs over to me, I bend down to pet him; he drops a stick at my feet.

"sorry, he loves to play fetch," says the tan guy with long black hair.

I laugh

"that's okay I love dogs."

Then I throw the stick into the ocean and watch the dog chase the stick with every thing he's got.

Like if he loses that stick, his life will never be the same.

The waves cover him for a second, but he bobs to the top with the stick in his month. and soon he is at my feet ready to play again.

"good boy" I tell him.

His owner moves closer and says "his name is bo"

"good bo" we laugh

"and I am Jacob"

I shake his hand.

We people watch and talk and laugh about silly things, like the dollar cowboys cheerleaders, and how he thinks that the easiest job in the world is fixing something that is broken. And how I think that is it ever so hard.

I wonder if he knows I'm not capable of anything more than this.

I wonder if he would care?


	21. Chapter 21

I am talking, flirting and laughing, and listening, and talking some more.

Jacob is totally flirting with me, which feels so weird.

He tells me a story about a crazy friend of his who's trying to beat the pogo stick world record, and the way he talks about bounce, bounce, bouncing on that pogo stick makes me laugh hysterically.

And for the first time in a long time I feel

A LIVE!

Then I remember, I remember him. The one I will love forever and the one who loves me so much he can't leave me behind.

"I have to go" I say

"Can I get your number?" he asks

"No" I say quickly

I turn and walk away. I don't want to say good-bye. So I won't say anything.

"Drop me an e-mail," he calls out "its j_"

I know he wants me to turn around to say okay or give thumbs up. Something, anything, I should turn around and say I have a boyfriend; I belong with him but the words refuse to come out of my mouth.

"I'll see you in my dream," he shouts

I stop, I get goose bumps, I turn to make it is Jacob and not Edward.

He waves, and I wonder who I'll see in my dreams tonight.

I watch the festivities from my window.

Kids running, waving sparkles.

Dads lighting firecrackers.

Mums pulling kids back, saying "don't stand to close."

The sky fills with red, white and blue.

Into the darkness comes light, joy, and freedom.

Tomorrow I go home to Edward.

I consider what freedom really means.

And I realize maybe I'm not so free after all.

As the car moves, towards home, my thoughts don't seem to want to go there just yet.

I didn't want to leave the place of salty air and kite rooms.

Not only did I survive the days which I didn't think I could, they refreshed me, revitalized me, reminded me, of what I've been missing.

What does that mean exactly?

My thoughts don't seem to want to go there just yet either.

It's late when I get home. I feel my pulse quicken as I think about Edward, hoping he won't be too upset.

The house is quiet, dark, normall.

Mum and dad go to bed, I make a peanut and jam sandwich.

I wait for movement or music or mind messages.

But there's nothing.

I eat, and then go to my room.

My room is quiet, dark, normal.

I go to the bathroom, where I stand at the mirror long after I'm done brushing and washing.

Finally, I go to bed, wondering if he'll find me in my dreams, and sort of pray that he won't.


	22. Chapter 22

I wake up in the middle of the night to candles are lit up in the darkness.

"Edward" I whisper "aw, that's sweet but what happens if my mum or dad walks in?"

I gust of wind blows across the room and in an instant the room turns black.

I hear some thing in my head, "sorry"

"No Edward, I am sorry, I'm sorry."

And I wonder when I finally stop having things to feel sorry about.

No one called while we were away.

No one calls after we return.

I spend time watching TV, playing solitaire on my computer, and reading.

Edward hangs around some of the time.

But I still wish some one would pick up the phone and talk to me.

Days go by and I finally call Jessica.

Why have I been such a bad friend?

What happened to the good friends who'd pick a bouquet of daises for Jessica or make peanut butter cookies with Angela or burned a CD of song for Laruen?

I miss flowers and cookies and music.

I want to feel like a friend again.

"What's up?" I ask

"Uh, I'm getting ready to head out," Jessica says

"Have you got date?" I say

"Well, sort of" Jessica answers

"Really, who?"

"A bunch of people are going to…"

She stops, I wait she doesn't finish

"Oh no" I say "not there"

"Bella, it a place it is not evil, kids hang there as a tribute to him, it's like you can feel his spirit there."

"But Jessica, he died there. How can you people have fun at a place where Edward died?"

"Well, I going" she says "you should come to it might be good for you"

"Jessica, I called because I need I talk to you, please? Can we go have hot chocolate? And I'll think about going, I will"

Well, Jessica never could turn down a hot chocolate.

We sip our hot chocolate at star bucks, where we've spent hours upon hours talking and giggling like girls do.

My heart tell me it's time to spill my guts.

After all, I used to tell her every thing.

I told her about the time I snuck out one night to meet Edward down the corner so we could make-out on one of the benches in the park.

I even told her about the time I kissed Mick, at midnight on New Years Eve when I still was going out with Edward but he was out of town and I was lonely.

And now I tell her about how Edward is in my house and how he turns on the CD player, and how he appears in mirrors and how he sends me mind messages in his own little way and visits me in my dreams.

"Are you saying he's a ghost?" she ask

"Basically yeah"

Then she gives me that look the look that says girlfriend you have totally gone off the deep end.

She rolls up the corner of her napkin.

She fiddles with the packets of sugar.

She looks around, like she wants to escape, but doesn't know how.

"I am not crazy" I say.

"Bella, he's gone, I no you miss him, but you have got to move on."

"Maybe you should come and see for yourself"

"so, you see him" Jessica asks

"No….well….yes in my dreams. But in the house he's just there, I can feel him, ican smell him, I can hear him. He lets me no he's there, even my mum said she can smell him."

"So your mum thinks he is a ghost too?"

"No. she just mentioned that she thought she smelted him. But don't you see the reason why she can smell him is because he is there."

She shakes her head, stands up and grabs her purse.

"you want to go with me or should I take you home."

I don't know what I want to do. It scars me to think about going there agina.

I look at Jessica. That look is still on her face.

"I'm not crazy!"

Maybe there's only one way to prove it

"Okay I will go"


	23. Chapter 23

We named it the heaven hideaway.

Who knew that name would mean a whole new meaning.

Hidden back behind the towering green trees is a place right out of a fairly tale with a outstanding waterfall and a large pool, deep pool of water surrounded by rocks, grass, plants, flowers, ferns.

I told Edward "this must be what heaven looks like"

And so that was how we named it.

Edward, jasper and Emmett discovered it one day on a hike.

He couldn't wait to show me the special place.

We packed a lunch and it wasn't long before I found myself having the most perfect picnic ever.

I loved that place so much.

I'm the one who came up with the idea.

I'm the one who said it'd be perfect place for a school's out party.

I'm the one who wished a million times over I ever did.

Jessica and arrive, and the party's going strong.

Someone's set a boom box on a rock, and the heavy thumps drown out the peacefulness of the place. The peacefulness that Edward and I found the first time we came here together.

I want to focus on the time, not the other time, the last time, but it's too hard to keep the memories cascading into my brain.

I shouldn't have come. It's too soon.

Way too soon.

"Jessica…"

But I don't get a chance to finish. A chance to tell her I shouldn't be here.

"oh, there he is" Jessica says, grabbing my arm and squeezing it.

He? Who the hell is he?

And then she's off the greet him. I watch and wait to see who it is…

JACOB?


	24. Chapter 24

Jessica warps her arms around Jacob's neck and hugs him.

They don't kiss.

So that means

They haven't know each other long

They're just friends

She likes him, but he doesn't like her.

She pulls on his arm and then they walk towards me.

"Bella, do you know Jacob?" Jessica says "he was a senior last year. And he is a football team, shirt number 11, and my favorite number."

Jacob? At our school I wonder why I am not see him before? most likely because I had Edward.

"Hi Jacob"

"Hi Bella"

He smiles the beach boy smile of his, and rights then I discover a person has the ability to feel a hundred different emotions all at the same time.

I look at Jacob and hope he knows he shouldn't say anything about me or him at the beach.

"I need to sit down" I tell Jessica.

"Are you okay" she asks

"Yeah, just a bit light headed."

"Are you sure, you are white as a ghost?" Jacob says

"Do you me to sit with you?" Jessica asks.

"No, go and have fun! I will come and find you guys in a minute."

They head for the crowd while I head away from it. I don't want to talk to anyone. And I'm pretty sure no one really wants to talk to me.

What do you say to a girl that has just recently lost her boyfriend?

What do you say to a girl who looking at the place where her boyfriend died?

What do you say to a girl who dared her boyfriend to jump off the deadly end?

I traveled to Hawaii with my parents when I was twelve.

We went to this place where people dive off the cliff into a cool, blue, pool below.

For some totally random reason, on the partying day in may, I thought of those adrenaline junkies who were so much like Edward.

Then I said those three stupid words and Edward's eye moved towards the sky, like a vulture eying his pray, as he considered the greatest challenge yet.

He climbed up high. Way high. He spread out his arms, like Jesus on the cross, and shouted

"THIS IS GOING TO BE SO GREAT"

Suddenly I knew, I knew it was a bad idea.

I screamed "STOP!"

Just a second too late.


	25. Chapter 25

I waited for him to pop up from the water laughing, SHOUTING, breathing.

I didn't hear his head hit the rock.

I didn't hear his cries from pain.

I didn't hear his last breath.

Deadly silence floated on the water like an empty raft.

Rescue instincts kicked in and I rushed to the water, hit it hard and began to stroke, stroke, and stroke.

Like my life depended on it, because my life _SO _depended on it.

As I swam, brain photos appeared.

Whirling, swirling, twirling, images of football games, of starry nights, of carnival rides.

I wasn't the only one in the water.

A mob of people took hold of him and then I was whirling, swirling, twirling in the sea of red left behind.

The water, my friends forever, enveloped me, whispering:

_Stay here; let me take care of you rest in my comforting arms._

It knew

But other arms grabbed me and pulled me from heaven to hell.

I lay on the ground, frozen from fear. Trees towered above me, shaking their wooden fingers at me.

Screams of hysteria flew through the air, slamming into each other.

"CALL 911……..HE'S NOT BREATHING ….OH MY GOD……DO SOMETHING!"

Three big words drowned me.

I killed Edward.

The memories literally make me sick.

As I hug the tree and lose my hot chocolate, all I can think about is how I want to go home. I need to go home.

Only one problem is, I left my phone at home so I can't call my mum to come and get me.

I gather myself and my thoughts and look at Jessica.

I find her in the middle of a group of kids grooving it, shaking it, moving it.

"JESSICA" I shout "I NEED YOU PHONE"

"HOW CAME?" she shouts back.

"JUST BECAUSE"

"It's in my purse over there" she says as she waves her hand in a big, generic swoop in no particular direction.

I turn around and run right into Mick, who's holding hand with a pretty young thing.

"Hey Bella! So great to see you!"

He gives me a quick hug, and then turns to the girl.

"This is Leah"

"Hi there" I blurt out.

"Mick, can I use you phone?"

Sorry, it is in my car"

"Carp"

My head is spinning my stomach is churching, my heart is aching and I don't now what to do.

And then, Jacob's there, pulling me away from the music, the laughing, and into a quiet of the forest.

"I have a phone you can use," he tells me "who do you want to call?"

"My mum. I need a ride, I shouldn't have come here."

And before I no it I am in Jacob's pure back jeep heading for my house.


	26. Chapter 26

You'd think riding in a jeep, feeling the wind across my face, and listening to black eyed peas jamming put loud with a cute guy besides me would make me happy.

But no!

It makes me cry. Or maybe I'm crying for other reason. It's hard to tell when there are a hundred emotions, all mixed up together.

He reaches over and holds my hand and something about that calms me down and the tears stop flowing.

When we get to town, he pulls into a car park of _taco Del mar._

"I thought maybe we'd get a bite to eat before I take you home."

I nod. "Sure"

And so we go inside. He orders. I sit.

When he sits down across from me, he says" I'm sorry I didn't no about Edward. I just mean that you are going though a lot and I should have been, you know, more sensitive, or whatever."

"Are you always so nice?" I ask

He smiles.

And then I get goose bumps all over my body because of that smile and I think about what I terrible girlfriend I am to Edward, I start to cry. All over again.

It's it so hard to cry in a restaurant with napkins as tissues and people staring.

But Jacob comes over to sit beside me, puts his arm around me, and lets me bury my face into his soft baby blue t-shirt that smells like soap and deodorant and a real life boy.

When I finally pull away, he looks down at me and says, "You were pretty brave to go back there. Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head. "I think we need to change the subject or something. Unless you like you shirt really damp"

He laughs "okay, we'll take about something else. Let me get you something to drink."

He comes back with the order and some drinks, and sits across from me again. No more touching, but still just the real live boy.

"So, I'm curious about Jessica," I say "where did you two meet?"

"The bookstore. Where I work. Just a couple if weeks ago, actually."

"Are you going out?"

"Nah, I don't really know her. There's this other girl I like. But she wont give me her number so, I guess we'll just be friends"

It made me smile.

He smiles back, and it feels like we've been friends forever.

"A friend is good. A girl can never have to many friends"

He drives me home. We say good-bye. Nothing else really.

I don't have to tell him. He seems to understand its just to soon.

It is?

And what I know is this:

I have Edward

But is Edward who I really want ?


	27. Chapter 27

I shouldn't even be thinking that questions, but it keeps popping up.

It's there like a dull headache that wont go away.

I sit on the couch and turn the TV on and think about my dilemma.

I still love him. I will always love him. But him is the Edward I knew. The walking, talking, breathing Edward.

I'm just not sure I can wholly and completely with everything I am be satisfied loving a ghost.

And then I feel the coldness.

"Edward," I whisper "are you there?"

Can he hear my thoughts? Does he know?

An image of Jacob darts in my mind.

I shake my head. It doesn't help.

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

The thing is, I owe it to Edward to be here for him.

I owe him that much.

If it weren't for me, he wouldn't even be a ghost.

Whatever he wants, I have to give it to him.

It sounds so easy, but is it?

But repaying a debt means giving up things. And making sacrifices.

If I sacrifice my heart my heart for Edward. Will I be dead too?

Edward sits with me. He plays with the TV from time to time, making the channels turn.

At first it makes me smile. Then it gets on my nerves.

BIG TIME.

Because he cant talk like a normal guy. He cant kiss like a normal guy, unless in my dreams, and then we do those last two things. But dreaming about them isn't the same as actually doing them and experiencing them.

All he can really do are the strange ghostly things that let me know he's here.

"Don't worry, Edward. I know you're here, believe me I know"

He flicks the gas fireplace on even though it's like ninety degrees outside.

"EDWARD,"I yell "stop being to so weird"

And then it hits me like a fast, racing car.

Having a ghost as a boyfriend is weird.


	28. Chapter 28

The phone rings as mum walks in the door carrying pizza for dinner.

I pick up the phone

"Hello"

"Hi it's Mick, are you okay?"

For some reason it makes me laugh.

"Is that the only sentence you know?"

He doesn't laugh.

"It just seemed like you were upset. When I saw you either"

"Yeah, I was but I am okay now thanks Mick. I guess you're not so bad after all and Leah really cute."

"Yeah, she's really great,"

He pauses for a second

"You know, I didn't want to let you go?" he says "I like you a lot, and I am sorry if I hurt you. I held on. Hoping things might change. Then New Years Eve gave me more hope. I help on, longer then I should have."

"So now you've let go?"

"Well, I still care about you. But yeah, I think I finally have."

"Was it hard?" I ask "letting go"

"Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real"

I gulp "can I ask how you did it?"

"I just decided Bella. That's all."

I eat my pizza that went a bed early.

I stay awake because I am trying to avoid sleep like my life depends on it.

And maybe life, truly does depended on it.

If Edward comes into a room, I leave and go some place else.

He follows me more than he ever has before. maybe he senses the uncertainly that has crept into my heart.

As always, he leaves me alone when mum and dad are there.

At night, I curl up in the corner of their bedroom and listen to dad snoring noises and mum soft, faint breathing sounds and wish I could sleep peacefully like that.

But I've got to stay awake. I've got to stay awake. I've got to keep distance between Edward and me.


End file.
